I think life is funny. Am I strange? I look at my grades, my home, my church.
And I want to laugh.
There's nothing I can do. I can't work any harder on my schoolwork than I already am, I can't take a day off to make my room perfect and appease my parents chore demands, I can't sell everything I own and give the money to the church to keep it open, and I can't tell they guy I like how I would take a bullet for him when I see him only a few times a month and haven't had a decent conversation in a long time.
So I just sit down and start laughing. Maybe I'm insane, but it makes me feel better if I look at the stagnant water around me and make little ripples with my pinkies...
Lately, I've been listening to Coldplay's album "Viva La Vida". I don't know why this album attracts me so much. It really isn't that great and all the songs sound the same, but there was a quote that struck to me while listening to it:
" ...I see God come in my garden, but I don't know what he said
For my heart it was not open, not open..."
There's just something about that line that gets me. It's seems to say (to me anyways) that God could be right in front of me, but I'm not paying attention so I don't notice. It's kind of a painful thought for me because the first thing I think is " How do I pay attention? What do I need to give up?"
So many things whirlwind around me these days. Memorizing play lines for English. Projects due in Algebra II, Latin, and Musicianship. Finals coming up. Need to exercise. Church closing. New glasses. Warmer weather. Getting sick. Losing friends. Gaining friends. Grades slipping. Moving to San Francisco? Need to get a job. Tired. He doesn't like me back. Need to read that book. Keeping up. Jealousy. No time to draw. Listening to music. Headache. Trying to drown out the yelling. Taking punishments with a blank expression. Disappointment. Haven't made plans with a friend in three months....
Etc, etc, etc. My mind is lost in a stressful haze, and wonder if I should be doing less laughing and more paying attention. God is out there waiting for me to put down my pencil and listen...
