La vue clairement un jour nuageux

I think life is funny. Am I strange? I look at my grades, my home, my church.

 And I want to laugh.

There's nothing I can do. I can't work any harder on my schoolwork than I already am, I can't take a day off to make my room perfect and appease my parents chore demands, I can't sell everything I own and give the money to the church to keep it open, and I can't tell they guy I like how I would take a bullet for him when I see him only a few times a month and haven't had a decent conversation in a long time.

 So I just sit down and start laughing. Maybe I'm insane, but it makes me feel better if I  look at the stagnant water around me and make little ripples with my pinkies...

 Lately, I've been listening to Coldplay's album "Viva La Vida". I don't know why this album attracts me so much. It really isn't that great and all the songs sound the same, but there was a quote that struck to me while listening to it:

 " ...I see God come in my garden, but I don't know what he said

 For my heart it was not open, not open..."

 There's just something about that line that gets me. It's seems to say (to me anyways) that God could be right in front of me, but I'm not paying attention so I don't notice. It's kind of a painful thought for me because the first thing I think is " How do I pay attention? What do I need to give up?" 

So many things whirlwind around me these days. Memorizing play lines for English. Projects due in Algebra II, Latin,  and Musicianship. Finals coming up. Need to exercise. Church closing. New glasses. Warmer weather. Getting sick. Losing friends. Gaining friends. Grades slipping. Moving to San Francisco? Need to get a job. Tired. He doesn't like me back. Need to read that book. Keeping up. Jealousy. No time to draw. Listening to music. Headache. Trying to drown out the yelling. Taking punishments with a blank expression. Disappointment. Haven't made plans with a friend in three months....

 Etc, etc, etc. My mind is lost in a stressful haze, and wonder if I should be doing less laughing and more paying attention. God is out there waiting for me to put down my pencil and listen...

N'importe Quoi

  For school this week (and the next) we're having an elective session. Basically you take two classes (each three hours long) with lunch in between and then go home. I ended up taking Song-writing and Lifeskills. Both are relatively pleasant, and I've been enjoying song-writing. Who wouldn't enjoy sitting around for three hours messing with pianos, writing lyrics, and chatting with friends? Not to mention that as long as you eventually write a song it counts for school credit. I already finished my first song. It's no jewel, but maybe my readers would enjoy reading the lyrics?

"Anything"

 I'll keep my eyes open

And deny my fear

the satisfaction of knowing

that the end is near

fighting hard for tomorrow

though what I hold dear

and my resistance to sorrow

is sure to disappear

Chorus: So I'll just tie my scarf a little tighter

and my adversaries will know fear

history proves I was born a fighter

and I'll do anything to have you near

shortcomings can be overcome

and courage can prevail

yet though the battle is not won

all signs say I will fail

I've got my sword and shield

I'm ready for the day

I'm not about to yield

where there's a will there's a way

Chorus

to all who oppose, you'll see

my "white flag" is hard to find

all thoughts of letting you go free

have completely fled my mind

and when the smoke clears

reflected off of broken mirrors

is the promise of tomorrow

a day that's mine to grow

Chorus

Silencieux Chanson

I really love music. It calms, it inspires, it drives, it saddens, it cheers up, it creates mood, it tells stories, and so much more.  I just think to myself sometimes, what exactly God is trying to say by making something so amazing? Music seems to be core in a lot of people's lives (mine and my parent's included), not to mention that it's  a good form of worship.  Maybe this is a strange thing to think, but why did God make music? Why do we accept it so naturally? I can't imagine a world without music. It's so very precious to me, I don't think I'd be half the person I am without it.

This seems to be another question I don't have the answer to.  I catch myself questioning things a lot these days. ( My previous post mentioned that I question myself, well I'm not the only thing I wonder about.) I'm glad my questions are intelligent though.  Wondering why the sky is blue seems much less philosophical than pondering the existence of music.

On an entirely different subject; finals are coming up soon. I. AM. GOING. TO. EXPLODE. I can't handle stress from every class at once.  Something tells me I'm going to do absolutely great on one subject and then get royally screwed in every other class. ( I'm probably going to do good in English, that's a given with me. And I think I'm exempt from the Latin final, but Physics, Algebra II, and Musicianship scare me.... ) Well that's all the things going through my head right now. Good luck sorting through them.